My husband is verbally abusive. he smokes pot consistantly. This is a marriage that should have never been. He is not saved. I am a christian woman and all he does is curse God. Calls me ungodly names, curses at me like I am some kind of animal. I cannot stand him. we don't sleep together. And he tries to be so controlling. I really want out. The only reason I am with him is I need to be obedient to what God says about marriage. I need help with this situation!

As a wife and woman who loves the Lord, I am so taken aback at how a man can be so sinful and verbally abuse to the gift that God gives them. The time will come for a man to have to have this conversation with the Lord and I would hope all men find peace prior to that. I have been married just three years to a intelligent, strong, generous, honest and trustworthy man. I waited 7 years for this marriage because I wanted a christian man who loved the Lord. What I did not know prior to the marriage was how deep rooted my husbands anger was. The demon came out sometime after the honeymoon. Its amazing how many men do such a great job courting in the beginning. Now my life consists of tatics he uses to control a conversation, blaming me for "taking him there" when he can't control his anger, not not willing to listen to anyone, but himself, especially if there is any suggestion for improvements to our relationship. He runs and hides, threatens to leave, punishes by saying ok fun is over today....the list goes on and on. I am so worn out by this man, and truely feel sorry that he has lived his life this was for 47 years. I love the Lord. What are intelligent, compationate, supportive, loving women supposed to do....be a doormat and setting boundaries sounds perfect, but don't we really need intervention? Smart men overstep boundaries all the time especially the ones in marriage. Should we leave?

i will leave with you sister these verses from the Scripture (( Wives likewise be submissive to your own husbands,that even if some do not obey the word, THEY WIYHOUT A WORD, MAY BE WON BY THE CONDUCT OF THEIR WIVES )) 1 Pete 3:1 and remember The woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
fears the Lord means obeying Him even if i don't understand what's going on?!!!!
and we know that GOD makes all things work together for good to those who love God
Trust In Him cause He is GOOD
your Bro. in Christ
Benjamin Alfie

Dear Melinda,

I was only able to hear a littlebit of your dilemma on open house Sunday night, However, having to be confronted with a verbally abusive husband is something that is a part of my mariage too. In my situation l also have begun, after many prayers, to create boundaries. To see the situation for what it is and not for what has been said, and that is that you and me are dealing with an emotional reaction of anger that has attached to it a limited means of clear communication. At times l walk away, or verbalise that l can see your angry right now. Because with this extreme outburst of emotion comes the inability to focus on the dilemma and hence my husband focuses on me. I have also established that timing plays a part in the circumstance which can escalate the verbal upraor--night time chats need to be kept pleasant, God talks about not letting the sun go down on your anger. Best to deal with conflicts or disagreements during the day, if this is what starts up the verbal abuse.
Strengthing yourself in faith and providing postive self talk to yourself, especially repeating quotes from the gospel, can help strengthen your spirit, which is what gets attacked, in this time. "The lord is my shephered, there is nothing l shall want, in green pastures he gives me rest". Find a passage that works for you. Remeber the postive things about your husband, even the little things he does or says at other times.
May you find comfort in these words, l pray that your circumstance is altered. And perhaps pray and bless your husband, so that he may be aware of his weaknesses, and acknowledge them. Finding a healthier way to express his frustration and anger.
God bless.

Dear Melinda,

I called last night to share about my experience in dealing with this very problem in my own life.

Being physically bigger than most people means I have to be very careful of how I conduct myself and mindful of the fear I can create in other people simply because of my size.

For most of my life I simply wasn't aware of this and I never saw myself in the way that others do.

More significant, however, was my inability to express what I was feeling, or what I needed, etc... in a way that didn't create a sense of dire panic in those who were fearful of me. These people included my wife and mother but also my father and even my boss!

As men, our way of handling life tends to be very shallow. I am certain our tendency to address problems in life with a block of 2x4 in one hand and a machine gun in the other has been with us ever since the cave men days.

The reality is that what emanates from our lives is the combination of many thoughts and internal processes and (god-forbid-we-should-talk-about-this)
.............. feelings!

We men cause many problems when we try to address the issues we face in our lives without being aware of those processes inside us that drive us forward. We also fail to be honest about what our PURPOSE really is behind what we do.

Melinda, I am almost certain your husband is completely unaware of the fear that he is causing you and he will likely be unaware of what his goals really are as he tries (unsuccessfully) to communicate with you.

Now, what do YOU do.

The goal you should have is to establish boundaries within which it is safe for you to talk. All healthy relationships have boundaries in some form but it does take wisdom to know what the boundaries are and courage to put them in place.

There was a situation many years ago when I was very angry with something my brother did. Unfortunately my expression of anger caused a lot of fear in my mother. At one point she sat down with me and said "David, I have a problem. Could you help me with this....." and from that point forward began to explain to me exactly how my behaviour made her feel and how much fear she had. It was very insightful for me to hear that.

This is the point you have to reach somehow with your husband.

Your relationship with your husband is your opportunity to INVITE him to meet your needs as you gently explain them to him. This is the safe way to establish boundaries.

In addition it is important for him to understand that what HE wants to achieve will only happen when you are in a place where you are happy and safe.

Melinda, my heart literally aches for you as I think about the fear you are feeling now. I have asked 103.2 to provide you with my contact details if you feel like you would like to discuss this further with me.

Be assured that this could become a VERY positive situation in the long run - it has been for me and the people around me.