Ever wished you had your own panel of experts to take your problems to? Or ever wondered what the average person in the street would do—or has done—in the same situation as you? That’s what our Second Opinion segment is for...

THE SCENARIO

This week’s scenario is from David. After 21 years of marriage, David and his wife divorced. That was 18 years ago and David’s remained single ever since. The trauma of the divorce actually caused David to turn to God – he became a Christian. At the time he had hoped to rebuild the marriage, but his former wife went on to marry someone else.

Now, however, it seems the past is being revisited. David’s ex-wife has recently divorced her second husband – who she was married to for 17 years. And she’s back on the scene, getting friendly with David again. She wants to rekindle the relationship and pick up where they left off.

For David, it’s a problem. Being a Christian now, he only wants to do the right thing by God. He feels that God’s word teaches he shouldn’t have a romantic relationship with someone who’s not a follower of Jesus. David’s ex-wife does have some religious background but faith doesn’t seem to be the main aspect of her life.

Then again, he’s also wondering if God has a hand in this, and if perhaps by building some form of relationship – even if only a friendship - he could help draw her to God.

He wants a second opinion from you.

DISCUSSION POINTS

• Is David right in thinking that he shouldn’t form a romantic relationship with his former wife over beliefs?
 
• If they were to start a relationship, would that really be “unequally yoked” when in fact they were already “yoked” in the past….  ie Does their previous marriage count in any of this?

• At the very least, David wants to be a friend and show kindness. Is it ok to do this with a hope of leading her closer to God?

• What is the best way to have a meaningful friendship, without giving the other person false hope of a deeper relationship down the track?
 
• When someone wants more out of a friendship than you, how do you draw clear boundaries, yet not close the person out of your life?

• Perhaps you’ve had a similar experience – what did you do?

EXPERT OPINION

Clinical Psychologist Sue Bartho

1.    David will need to clarify in his mind whether God would be pleased with the reconciliation of his marriage, and so consulting mature Christian friends or ministers may help with that.  I tend to think that God loves reconciliations (2 Cor 5), as long as it is not going to compromise his faith.  I can't see any barriers to them resuming a friendship initially.
 
2.      I'd be interested in how David feels himself?    
             - Does he still love this woman?
             - Does he enjoy her company?  Does he want to remarry her??
             - How much "baggage" from the past is there? 
             - Has there been some deep forgiveness, and understanding of what happened between them?
             - Does she respect his faith?  Does she have any real spiritual hunger?
 
3.    It is so important to try to make our communication really clear in these situations, particularly  when not wanting to give the other person false hope.  IF David wants to resume a friendship with her, then I would encourage him to talk to her in those terms, which gives him lots of time to work out all the above questions.  He would need to say clearly that he does not want a romantic relationship at the moment, but would like to spend some time together, exploring a new friendship between them, eg maybe having coffee once a month for a while.  He needs to be careful that his behaviour is consistent with his words, ie not doing romantic things to confuse her, like buying gifts, having candlelight dinners or making frequent phone calls.  If she tries to push these boundaries, David needs to clearly reinstate them. 
 
4.    He also needs to be open with her about the changes that Jesus has made in his life - that he is actually a different man now, with different priorities and different interests.  That might scare her away!, but hopefully it would intrigue her.  Telling her his faith story, and lending her a good book, is bound to have an impact on her, as she probably knows him quite well.  If she shows interest, I would be encouraging her to join a Christianity Explained or Alpha course without him, so that her faith journey is not complicated by their relationship.
 
4. I think that it is crucial to come to some understanding about what has happened in the past emotionally, both in what brought their marriage undone, and what brought her second marriage undone.  There is always the danger of blindly repeating our mistakes over and over.  The central questions are: "What will be different this time - in my behaviour and in hers?"  "What have we learnt from our mistakes?