Ever wished you had your own panel of experts to take your problems to? Or ever wondered what the average person in the street would do—or has done—in the same situation as you? That’s what our Second Opinion segment is for. Give us your problem, dilemma or question: we’ll get the opinions of Open House listeners based on their life experience, and then one of our experts will give you pointers on what you can do next.
THE PROBLEM
- JOSHUA’s facing some tough decisions. He’s in his late 30s, is a volunteer in his church youth ministry, and in recent months, has become close friends with a girl in the youth group who’s only 18. It began with her asking for help with school homework, which led to things like driving lessons, help with university work, and so on… And each time she’s asked for help, Joshua felt he couldn’t say no. Now, hardly a day goes by where they don’t do something together.
It’s never gone beyond a platonic friendship – Joshua’s never acted out of line, and is highly trusted by the girl’s family. But the truth is, through spending so much time with her, he’s become emotionally attached. He didn’t see it coming, and admits that he now finds it hard to let a week go by without seeing her.
Joshua once talked to the girl about the situation, explaining that if he spends too much time with her alone he may get attached - but she didn’t seem to mind and continued asking him for help with her studies and so on.
After listening to our interview with Norman Wright last week, Joshua thinks the girl may be looking for a father figure; perhaps she’s latched on to Josh to fill a void—who knows. He’s quick to say that a relationship is completely out of the question. He’s old enough to be her father. He now feels the only answer is to cut her out of his life completely.
But he’s afraid that if he does, this girl may go down the wrong path. She’s already searched for love in the wrong places before. Joshua feels he’s the only link that’s keeping her from harm. Cutting her off would also mean ending contact with her family who are good friends of his too. Joshua feels very stuck. He can’t continue to let his feelings for her grow, but he is afraid of the alternative. What can he do?
Let’s give JOSHUA some second opinions.
DISCUSSION POINTS
• Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you were spending too much time with someone - perhaps with someone who was much younger - or even someone who was married or attached to someone else?
• If so, what did you do and what was the end result?
• Should Joshua continue some form of friendship, but in a limited way?
• Or should he cut her out of his life altogether?
• And if he does cut her off, should he explain the situation to the family or will that be more damaging than necessary?
• If he ends the friendship, will it be to her detriment?
• Or is he actually doing her a disservice by sticking around while he has these strong feelings for her?
TONIGHT'S EXPERTS:
• Barry Chant - Senior minister of Sydney’s Wesley International Congregation
• Sue Bartho, Clinical Psychologist
Response from Clinical Psychologist, Sue Bartho
"I really like Joshua's integrity. He is in a situation which requires a lot of it! I suspect there may be a "third way" through this one, that can retain some friendship, but with different boundaries.
I would be looking to create some distance between himself and the girl, by recruiting support from other good people to help with homework, uni work or driving lessons. Apparently the issue is his, and she won't be devastated by this, although I wouldn't be surprised if she is more attached than she is prepared to admit! If she is resistant to these changes, then he probably needs to provide some "excuses", but I wouldn't be telling her or her parents that he is becoming dependant on her. That would certainly end the friendship!
If he is a concerned friend, and has a good relationship with her parents, he could mention to them what he has observed, that she would really benefit from some time and input from her father.
The main issue here is attending to his own emotional needs. We each need to take responsibility for meeting the legitimate God-given emotional needs that we have. What is it in his friendship with this girl that is making him feel so good?? Does she flatter him, enhance his self-esteem, make him feel important, offer emotional intimacy that is hard to find elsewhere???? These are the important and hard questions that he needs to answer for himself.
I think prayerful journaling, ie writing, can be really useful here, as he seeks to understand himself. It is important to know that our emotional needs are God-given and there is no reason to feel embarrassed or ashamed of needing to feel good about himself. The challenge is to find ways of meeting his emotional needs in healthy and appropriate ways. Maybe he should get some professional help if his self-esteem is low. Maybe he is lonely and needs to proactively cultivate his friendships.
He will need to be careful of his thought life as well. Does he think about this girl often? Look forward to seeing her? Find excuses to drop by her house? There is some serious "letting go" to be doing if it has developed to this point, ie redirecting his mind away from her and on to more productive areas of his life. It could be good to ask for the support of a godly prayer partner to keep him accountable in this most private of domains!
I really like Joshua's integrity. He is in a situation which requires a lot of it! I suspect there may be a "third way" through this one, that can retain some friendship, but with different boundaries.
I would be looking to create some distance between himself and the girl, by recruiting support from other good people to help with homework, uni work or driving lessons. Apparently the issue is his, and she won't be devastated by this, although I wouldn't be surprised if she is more attached than she is prepared to admit! If she is resistant to these changes, then he probably needs to provide some "excuses", but I wouldn't be telling her or her parents that he is becoming dependant on her. That would certainly end the friendship!
If he is a concerned friend, and has a good relationship with her parents, he could mention to them what he has observed, that she would really benefit from some time and input from her father.
The main issue here is attending to his own emotional needs. We each need to take responsibility for meeting the legitimate God-given emotional needs that we have. What is it in his friendship with this girl that is making him feel so good?? Does she flatter him, enhance his self-esteem, make him feel important, offer emotional intimacy that is hard to find elsewhere???? These are the important and hard questions that he needs to answer for himself.
I think prayerful journaling, ie writing, can be really useful here, as he seeks to understand himself. It is important to know that our emotional needs are God-given and there is no reason to feel embarrassed or ashamed of needing to feel good about himself. The challenge is to find ways of meeting his emotional needs in healthy and appropriate ways. Maybe he should get some professional help if his self-esteem is low. Maybe he is lonely and needs to proactively cultivate his friendships.
He will need to be careful of his thought life as well. Does he think about this girl often? Look forward to seeing her? Find excuses to drop by her house? There is some serious "letting go" to be doing if it has developed to this point, ie redirecting his mind away from her and on to more productive areas of his life. It could be good to ask for the support of a godly prayer partner to keep him accountable in this most private of domains!"
