Laura’s got a problem that involves her ex-boyfriend….In a nutshell, he owes her money. Not just $50 or so, but nearly $2000. She lent the money when they were dating – at a time when he was struggling with some bills. Laura thought nothing of it, expecting it would be returned in due course.

He did start paying her back, but then sadly the relationship ended, and when a number of months had gone by with no contact, Laura raised the issue. Again months went by and no action - so Laura mentioned it once again, and asked for weekly instalments… He then explained that he’s out of work and will “do what he can”… And he still hasn’t paid her anything more.

Laura said it’s not just that she needs the money – It also hurts that he won’t prioritise and honour his word … Also the debt’s stopping her from moving on from the relationship… she can’t completely cut the strings.

Should she graciously give him more time, given he’s out of work… (it’s already been nearly a year).
Should she even forgive the debt?
OR – if she does will she be letting herself be walked over? Should she put her foot down and set a deadline?

DISCUSSION POINTS

• Have you ever had someone owe you a large debt? How long did you allow it to continue, and how did you reach a peaceful conclusion?
 
• Laura wants to know is it her fault? Was she foolish to even lend the money and now she just has to be happy with however long he takes to pay it back?

• She wonders if she’s more upset about the money, or his apparent lack of concern? And when it is paid, will she feel more free from him emotionally?

• What can you do to make sure a financial debt between two people doesn’t cause ongoing pain? Is there a way to compartmentalise it so it doesn’t constantly plague your thinking?

• Maybe you’ve owed someone a large debt yourself . Did you honour the debt? Did it cause difficulties in the relationship?

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EXPERT OPINION:

And now the expert opinion of clinical psychologist, Sue Bartho.

"It seems to me that this money probably represents some power issue that is unresolved between them, or just his emotional immaturity.
 
I wonder how and why the relationship ended, and suspect that he may be nursing some sour/hurt feelings about it??  Not repaying this money is a passive aggressive way of not letting her have the last word!
 
Whatever happened between them, it is important to respect where he is at emotionally, but to move it on in the direction you need with some Advanced Assertiveness.  I don't think it is godly or sensible to let him get away with his irresponsibility.  It might look a bit like this:
    -  Ask to meet him for coffee
    -  Touch base, see how he is...(but don't let yourself get sucked in emotionally)
    -  Calmly and clearly tell him that you would really like to close off the chapter of their relationship in a pleasant way, and not leave bad feelings between them (be positive about the good times in the relationship and the good qualities you see in him), and that sorting out the unpaid money is part of that
    -  Help him see that he has a choice here. ie Could we finish this off well so we can retain our friendship?  Give him an invitation not an ultimatum!
    -  Propose a plan and timetable to him that sorts out the problem within the next 6 months, but keep your language really relaxed!  eg  Would it work for you to direct debit $100 to my account each fortnight for the next 6 months?  Can we go and organise that now?
    -  Be prepared to make some compromise, ie a plan whereby he pays back $1200 out of $1500
    -  If he isn't working, could he pay you "in kind" in some way, ie mowing lawns, cleaning, and pay the money more slowly?
    -  Does he have any assets that you would be prepared to exchange as payment?? Sound system?  Bicycle?  CDs??
    -  Maybe a combination of these three ideas could work?
 
Do your thinking ahead of the meeting!
He needs to be happy with whatever you agree, able to do it and able to see something in it for him ie his good name.
Have pen and paper with you to write down your agreement.
Meet during the day, so you can go with him to his bank to organise the payments.
Ask for what you want, remembering his feelings and his ego!
 
I think it is the old "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar" concept!
 
Ultimately, if he is being difficult and playing nasty, then you may have to "let go" of the money to end the connection in your head, but hold on to what you have learnt here, about not trusting too much.  It is sad that he has this level of irresponsibility and emotional immaturity (but i wouldn't say that to him), and you are better to move on without the money."
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