THIS WEEK'S SCENARIO

“Dave” is a dad who went through a rough divorce with his ex-wife, and is paying off a large settlement cost to support her and their children - plus full child support. He’s also paying off a huge legal bill, after a long battle to get regular visits with his kids.

Now, his ex-wife wants him to pay half the cost of some expensive elective surgery for his daughter. Of course he wants his daughter to be well, and to pay for her well being - but this surgery will be a struggle. He’s already in a lot of debt.

So the question is, should he pay? There’s no question about his love for his kids, it’s just that he’s really struggling financially.

Dave would love to hear what others have gone through and what decisions they’ve made.  Let’s give Dave some second opinions.

DISCUSSION POINTS

• Should he say no to this extra surgery cost?

• By rights he doesn't have to pay. The court doesn’t require it – he’s already paid settlement, pays full child support, and is struggling as it is.
 
• Is it important not to be pushed around, and to draw some boundaries?

• OR should he just pay up anyway? Maybe it’s better to just keep the peace in an already difficult situation.

• He’s concerned about his daughter’s welfare and at least he knows this money would directly help her.

EXPERT OPINION FROM SUE BARTHO, CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST

Let's TRY to keep some assertive communication open.  Sounds like it has been a nasty and acrimonious journey so far, so that is a big ask.
 
I would think through your options Dave, before asking for a conversation with your ex-wife.
 
1.    Could we get a second opinion about the cost and necessity of this surgery?

2.    If you paid for medical insurance, you could reduce your child support payments by half the cost (apparently that's OK legally and would amount to sharing the cost).

3.    I would be looking for a compromise that respects BOTH of you in the process.  BOTH of you are probably hurt and resentful about the costs you have incurred for legal bills, and it sounds as though there is still a power battle going on.  I would be doing all I could to talk reasonably (using the plural language of 'us' working out a solution to this problem that "we" currently have), and prayerfully looking at our options.
 
Keep in mind the big-picture - we are going to be co-parenting these children for a long while yet!