Tonight’s scenario will probably strike a chord with more than a few people… It comes from a single woman, Linda.

About 6 years ago, Linda was proposed to - by a man she was friends with, but who she wasn’t interested in romantically at the time. Linda rejected the proposal in no uncertain terms - she just didn’t feel that way about him at all and in fact was shocked by the proposal. She says she hurt him quite badly by rejecting him so emphatically, something she’s not proud of.

Then a few years on, she had a change of heart. Her eyes were opened to this man’s wonderful qualities and she found herself falling in love, something that her friends were actually praying for. The problem is, by this time he’d moved on from the idea and wasn’t interested in her any more.

He’s still single and while the pair are still friends, their friendship has been affected. The guy’s really distanced himself, to avoid encouraging her feelings. And really he’s doing her a favour - but Linda’s finding it hard.

She’s been living with these feelings of unrequited love for more than three years now – and is struggling to let go. Should she move on? And if so, how?

DISCUSSION POINTS

• Linda’s really tired of the same thoughts going through her mind and is quite confused by the whole experience.

• She’s wondering, if someone once proposed to you and at the time, you were their “only one”, how can they have moved on so easily?

• She’s wondering why it’s so hard for her to move on – especially when it seems he’s not about to change his mind.

• Linda’s a Christian and so is the guy – And while she is trusting God about her future, she doesn’t know if it’s just her own desires that are keeping her hanging on - or maybe God’s not allowing her to move on?

• On the day Linda made her feelings clear, the guy said no. He did say he’d continue praying about it, but nothings’ changed after nearly four years…

• What might this guy be feeling in all of this? Perhaps some men listening can give us insights that could help Linda understand.

• When you’re in love but it’s just not happening – what do you do? How do you let go?

EXPERT OPINION - Sue Bartho, Clinical Psychologist

Letting Go
• You could try for one final conversation with him about your relationship (to be very sure that there is no future here), but then you have to turn away, and choose to start letting go.  You have to respect this guy's decision, and decide whether you can cope with a friendship with him, or need to break off contact for a while (often better and easier).  You have a choice, whether to pine for him for ever after or get on with your life!
• You could write a list of this guy's bad points to help turn your heart away from him.
• You have to stop yourself thinking about  him (whenever you notice your thoughts in his direction, turn them away, to something different and interesting)
• Talk to God and to yourself honestly, about your sadness that this relationship is not going to be; and your fear for the future.  But be proactive about creating new options in your life.
 
Strengthen Yourself
• Get in touch with what a great person you are, so you don't give in to thoughts that make you feel rejected. This was his loss.
• Maybe it is time for a new hobby or new interest or a pet! - to distract yourself and broaden your horizons.
• Challenge any unrealistic, Hollywood notions you may have about "only one person being right for you", "the couples have all the fun", etc
• Cultivate your friendships, and look for a prayer partner, so that you have good emotional intimacy in your life
• The more full and interesting your life is, the more attractive you will be.

Trust God
• God has let this happen for a reason.  He has someone better around the corner for you.
• HE KNOWS your inner longings better than you do, and He has made us this way.  Don't feel ashamed of wanting a relationship - it is part of being human.
• If you want a relationship, He hasn't given you the Gift of Singleness!  Reach out and care for someone else.
• Trust that God has shut this door.  He may be protecting you from things you couldn't see.