Tonight's scenario is from Tamara.  Her dad lives overseas, and has a girlfriend he has met over there.  Now there's nothing wrong with that in itself - her parents separated years ago and there's no reason for her dad to stay single. But what bugs Tamara is, her dad keeps it a secret. Tamara has met the lady, but when she asked her Dad about the relationship, he wouldn't acknowledge or talk about it.

Tamara's Dad is quite a private person and she understands if he doesn't want to share all the details of his life.  But here's the problem - The woman doesn't seem to know it's a secret. She acts as if Tamara is a friend, and rings her up at times to chat or ask questions, or to pass on information. It's been going on for years now.

So Tamara's in a strange situation - On one hand, she's in an awkward spot when this woman rings, feeling a bit uncomfortable with the woman's assumption of friendship, and having to pretend the relationship is out in the open. On the other hand, Tamara also has to play along with her dad, pretending the relationship doesn't exist. 

Tamara resents that her dad keeps this secret, and that he's lied at times to cover it up. Their relationship is reduced to talking about mundane things, as they have to skirt around a lot of issues, and she avoids sharing any matters of her own heart. Tamara doesn't like secrecy or suspicion, yet feels a duty to help her Dad maintain the secret, so has never talked to her family about it. What can Tamara do?

Let's give Tamara some second opinions.

 
DISCUSSION POINTS

• Should Tamara push her Dad to at least acknowledge the relationship? He's not the most communicative person, so how does one raise this kind of thing - especially with a shy, private person.

• If so should she write a letter or an email -  (Emails seem so impersonal) - or wait for his annual visit home and attempt a face-to-face chat?

• Then again, is confronting him an invasion of his privacy? Should she just respect that it's off limits, and carry on as they have been for years?

• Is there another course of action that may help, which she hasn't thought of?

• Should Tamara say something to the woman? That seems unfair, because it's not her fault - but it's awkward talking to a person who isn't supposed to exist.

EXPERT POINTERS from Judith Nicholls...

When we read about Jesus we see that he was compassionate and understanding but one thing he was almost ruthless about was making people face up to the reality of their situation be  so that they could have a true understanding of themselves - especially where other people were concerned. 

This is not just an issue of maintaining your Dad's sense of privacy. In essence your Dad is asking you to live a lie because he can't face reality. For you as a Christian this is unacceptable.  Your Dad, Tamara, like many men, doesn't want to face up to the potential emotional fallout from being open.  He probably has not woken up to the fact that it is a worst kept family secret and may well be fearful of what you and your Mum might think.  Or maybe he doesn't want to regularise his "Friendship" (whatever that means) with this woman.

You don't have to push your father to do anything.  Just write a letter and tell him that you know and have known for years that he is seeing this woman.  Explain that you want him to know this so that your own relationship with him can be an open and trusting one based on respect - especially as the woman herself seems to have the belief that this is the reality.
If your parents aren't  actually divorced, this would make his behaviour more understandable but not acceptable...

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