Tim's facing a tough family situation. He's recently married, and he works for his father-in-law's business.  But he's actually not enjoying the work, and wants to leave. The problem is, he's worried about the backlash that will probably occur if he moves onto something new.

His father in law, who runs the family business, has an old-fashioned, European, patriarchal sort of manner - Tim finds him quite harsh, prideful, and intimidating. He says it's wearing to work in this environment every day, as well often spending time with the family at night. He feels that if he and his wife move out of the business and spend a bit less time with her parents, relationships will actually improve.

Tim often feels he is looked down upon by his father-in-law. He already works part time in another job that he loves, and even that's frowned upon. So he can only imagine the response if he announces he's getting work elsewhere.

The good news is that his wife's supportive whichever way he decides to go. Can you give Tim any hints that might help?

DISCUSSION POINTS

• Should Tim stay in the family business at least for a while - even if it's just to keep the peace, while they settle into the marriage and the family connections?
 
• Or is it better that Tim is honest and true to himself at this early stage, rather than get trapped into a situation that makes him very unhappy?

• Tim's feeling intimidated by his dad-in-law. Do you have some ideas on how he can handle this man, to perhaps draw some boundaries and make his own decisions, but still keep peace and a good relationship with his new family?
 
• Tim was raised in a different sort of family, more laid back than his wife's family. He's really finding it a challenge to adapt to the ways of his in-laws.

• Can you relate to this scenario? If so, how have you come to terms with how your in-laws relate to one another?

• Have you been able to establish good relationships with your parents-in-law, despite their differences? Tell us how...

Experts Pointers from Sue Bartho, Clinical Psychologist

 1.    Be considerate, grateful and clear.
        -  share your thoughts with your father-in-law, with plenty of time for him to find a replacement for you
        -  share your rationale for leaving
        -  be very positive about the opportunities and experience that he has given you
        -  be thankful for all you have learnt from him (some flattery helps!)
        -  If he objects, respectfully repeat the above.
        -  Listen to his concerns, but don't be pushed off track!
 
2.    It is important to "Leave as you cleave"!!
        -  Referring to that Biblical instruction about marriage, that we leave our parents and cleave to our spouse and become one flesh, it is a common and grave mistake to spend too much time in the pockets of your in-laws!
        -  You and your wife need time to establish YOUR way of doing things, knowing yourselves as a new family unit, creating your identity separate from your families of origin.
 
3.   Strengthen your own Self-Esteem.
        -  Remind yourself of all your strengths and your right to make your own decisions
        -  What intimidates you about this guy?  Is it his experience, voice, manner??  Be confident in your own style.  Give yourself permission to be younger than him and learning!
 
4.    Building the Relationship.
       -  Once you have sorted out your work, you could be looking for an activity or interest to share with your Father In Law.  This is often a great way of building a friendship, despite other differences.