The scenario we're dealing with this week is to do with a relationship - which is where a lot of our Second Opinion situations come from! This is an interesting one. A young Christian couple, Justin and Angela, have been dating seriously for a while now, and they're starting to consider the possibility of marriage.  So the question has arisen, about which church to go to.

For some people this might be an easy, low-pressure decision. But Justin and Angela attend church at two different places, and both are really committed and involved in ministry in their respective churches. If they eventually pair off and choose one to belong to, someone's going to be closing doors and saying goodbyes.

Now for Christians, a big part of being a couple and working out if you should get married, is to see how you connect on things spiritually. Experiencing church together is a big part of that - you can discuss the messages you hear, find out where you agree or disagree, pray together, study and discuss the Bible together... So choosing a church that you'll both commit to, is an important step.

What's the best way to make this tough decision? Give Justin and Angela your Second Opinion - your thoughts and advice.

DISCUSSION POINTS

• Obviously the first thing this couple needs to do is to pray - and indeed the couple are doing that. But I think there's a lot of other thoughts you might have that will help them out also.

• Have you experienced this situation and if so, how did you seek to find the best answer? What did you consider when choosing the best church to settle on?

• Did you get your answer through prayer, and if so, how did you hear God's voice on this? How did He show you the answer?

• In order to really know each other this pair feels they need spend church time together - yet it might mean one of them needs to pull out of some of their church ministry commitments and pull out of some rosters.

• But if one of them leaves their church now and seperates ties it might be harder to go back later on, if the relationship doesn't work out.

• There's other things too that might come into this decision- such as geographical considerations, social networks, and so on....

• Should they even be asking this question, given they're not engaged or committed to marriage yet. Is it too early to be discussing it?

• His church, Her church, a new one, or is it too early?

EXPERT'S POINTERS from Sue Bartho, Clinical Psychologist.

 
If Justin and Angela are both committed Christians, active in ministry in their churches, I would be thinking like this:
 
1.    Give it some time before changing churches.  There are plenty of ways of sharing your spiritual lives before making this enormous step.  You could look for some Christian service to do together (Beach Mission, camp, holiday programme etc) that doesn't interfere with your core ministries.  You can be downloading some sermons to discuss, reading Bible and Christian books to share, and praying together, in other time. You can visit each other's churches occasionally, or go to a different service together.  I assume you are already talking about the type of ministry and gifting that God is calling you to, and how they might work together if you are married.
 
2.    Your ministries are very important, as is your own support network.  I wouldn't be starting the move away from your church until you feel ready to get engaged. Use this time to be ironing out any concerns you each have about the relationship.  If you do break-up, it's doubly hard to have left your core support network, and totally disruptive to the people you are ministering to.
 
3.    Sketch out a Time Frame.  I think it is always helpful to sketch out a bit of a rough timeframe for your future, with plenty of contingencies!  For example, let's sign up for a Beach Mission team for this summer, and if we both still feel a strong sense of God's leading us towards marriage, we could be thinking of getting engaged next Easter.  That opens up the question of where we would live, which might define which church we go to, as you may choose to move to a different area.
 
Once you are engaged, you can let people in your churches know your thinking and your timeframe, eg I'll be letting the Youth Group know that this term will be my last one as a leader, as i will be moving away when we get married.  I would think that engagement and first year of marriage is a time to carry a smaller ministry load to give yourselves time to build a healthy marriage.
 
If you do want to stay at one of your churches, I guess it is a process of evaluating all the factors, like:
-    Is it more important for one of us to continue this ministry experience?  Is it necessary for future training or ministry?
-    Do we both feel at home in one of our churches, and share the vision of the leadership?
-    Is there a role for the other to play at this church, if they were to move over here?
-    Neither of us is indispensible!  Does one of us feel God's leading to lay down our current roles?
-    Is there good timing for one of us, having completed several years of service in one role??
-   Are there obvious people to be handing over to?
 
No black or white, or right or wrong here.  A process of prayer, knowing your self and learning to communicate well!