We're tackling a situation this week that many of you may be familiar with. It's actually from two people who've recently gone through the same thing - the scenario of relatives coming to stay for the holidays.

Our first listener with this experience is Patricia. She's got a lot of family living interstate, back in her old hometown - And now that she's living in the big city, her house seems to be viewed as the free holiday destination for relatives and friends. Some people assume that they'll be able to stay with her when they come to town. Often it's ok, but some take it for granted, expect to be waited on and even overstay their welcome - forgetting that their host has a busy life to get on with.
 
Jenny has had a similar experience. She's a student and recently, her overseas relatives arrived unannounced on the doorstep, to stay for the holidays: Aunty, uncle and cousins. They hadn't booked a hotel; they simply expected to stay in Jenny's family's home. Rooms had to be rearranged and schedules adjusted to make it work. The relatives intended it as a happy surprise, but Jenny was in the middle of studying for exams. She found it pretty tough having her bedroom filled with mattresses and cousins, when she really needed some quiet space.

So our question is this: How do you politely deal with house guests?

Let's give Patricia and Jenny some second opinions.

DISCUSSION POINTS

• Have you had these kind of experiences with relatives coming to stay? If so, what do you do?

• Some people love having visitors and being surrounded by people but others really need their quiet retreat - is it wrong for visitors to expect hospitality?

• Can you say no altogether? When family tell you they're coming to visit, or even arrive unannounced, is there a tactful way to say, "Well actually we can't fit you in - you'll have to go and book a hotel room".

• Or has our society lost the art of hospitality? Are we so focussed on maintaining the order of our busy lives that we tend to shut out the most important thing - which is people?
 
• Especially when accommodation is expensive, and some families might not be able to afford a holiday otherwise, should Patricia and Jenny be a little more gracious about fitting in the visiting family members?

• Perhaps there is a way to let them stay but draw certain boundaries?

• Tell us what you've done in this situation.

THIS WEEK'S EXPERT - Judith Nicholls

This is a very Western cultural dilemma.  In some cultures hospitality is a sacred trust.  And the Scriptures see hospitality in that way.  We are told sometimes we can be entertaining angels unawares.  However I think that in Patricia and Jenny's case there's not much hope of that.  The visitors are all too familiar.  However a famous English writer once said there's only one thing worse than too many visitors and that's no visitors at all. 

Certainly me and my husband's experience in ministry in Asia and in Australia has meant lots of uninvited people shipping up on our doorstep.  Many of them were a blessing to our family, or God used us in their lives. In Patricia's case I think that once the novelty has worn off you won't get quite so many visitors.  However you don't have to wait on them.  Prepare a little pack with bus timetables, map with supermarket etc marked and instruction on how to use your washing machine.  Explain as cheerily as you can manage that while it's great to see them you won't be able to prepare meals etc and make sure that you carry on with your usual progamme.  Also, (if you can carry this off) ask them would they like you to book them in at a motel as you can only put them up for x number of days.  Don't launch into apologies or explanations.
But Jenny there are cultural and relational issues here.  You can't offend your extended family.  Can you send the message back through your parents or extended family that surprise visits are difficult for you.  You are happy to receive visitors but not at certain times.  Explain that your parents have invested a lot in your study and you feel a debt to them to do well in exams.