Melissa has a family problem that has crept up quietly, and will only get bigger if she does nothing about it.  She's married, with two little children, and has a very generous mother-in-law who loves doting on the children, by sending many gifts.

Now gifts are all very nice, except that this grandma sends far more than the kids will ever need. She lives interstate and often when she's out shopping, she'll ring Melissa, to ask if she needs anything for the kitchen, or if her much-adored grandchildren need any new toys or clothes. Often the answer is no, but she'll end up buying things anyway - usually expensive things - then posting them off, and ringing a few days later to check if the gift was received.

Melissa has very strong feelings about not spoiling her children, living quite simply, thinking of global need, and putting others first - So she often ends up storing the gifts away and later donating them to charity or someone who needs the gifts more. Yet when mum-in-law rings, she feels she has to act all grateful.

Melissa is starting to feel like she's deceiving her mother in law. Yet she's afraid of saying anything because she's worried that she'll hurt her feelings and remove one of the main things that allows her to feel valuable in Melissa's family.
 
What can Melissa do?

DISCUSSION POINTS

• Have you had a point of contention like this with your parents in law?

• If you found an effective way to raise the issue, and resolve it, I'd love to hear from you.

• In particular, how can Melissa break this pattern of behaviour that's been going on for years now, without ruining the relationship with her mother-in-law, or making her feel as though she's been giving unwanted things for years?

• Are there some other ways of giving that Melissa might be able suggest to her mother in law, that will be more in line with Melissa's wishes and values? - Something that doesn't spoil the children?

• Have you ever felt the need to refuse a gift? If so, how did you do it without hurting the feelings of the giver?

EXPERTS POINTERS - Judith Nichols, our "Sagacious Font of Grandmotherly Wisdom".

• Melissa needs to put herself in her mother-in-laws shoes. I am a grandparent of kids who live interstate too so I know how this feels. This is one of her only means of showing her love, as she lives far away.
• If Melissa and her husband prefer to live simply, allow the mum-in-law to buy the clothes for the kids, and Melissa just use the money she saves to give to other projects. Or perhaps tell Grandma they will "save the clothes for special occasions" to dissuade her giving too many.
• If Melissa and her husband agree on this, it's HIS problem. His mum and his responsibility. Mothers will forgive their sons more easily than daughters in law!
• Overall, even if it's hard to say no to the mother in law, disappointing her is the lesser of two evils. It's worse to continue being dishonest!