Tonight we're tackling a family scenario:  A listener in his 50s, Jim, is tiptoeing around a tricky situation between his unmarried old brother, and their elderly mum.

The brother, we'll call him Bob, is a hoarder who can't throw anything away - and the junk he's accumulated over the years is starting to overtake mum's house. His old things have so far filled the garage, and two other rooms.  Mum finds it quite upsetting as she likes things to be tidy; and the junk is restricting access to areas of her own house. 

It all came to a head recently when she had visitors coming to stay, and understandably wanted things sorted out and cleaned up - - but the son refused. Mum likes to keep everyone happy so is too timid to agitate about it much; And whenever the siblings try to step in and urge this brother to sort out his junk, he threatens to leave.  What can Jim do?

Let's give him some second opinions.

DISCUSSION POINTS

• Jim realises that his mum needs to make a stand, which she sometimes tries to do, but she's afraid Bob might leave, and that's the last thing she wants. She likes having his company, despite the mess, and doesn't want to end up on her own.

• How do you help solve a touchy family dilemma when it's a situation between your parent and one of your other siblings?

• Is it Jim's role to step in at all, or should he be leaving it up to Bob and their Mum to work it out?

• How do you encourage a hoarder to realize how their mess is affecting people around them?

• And how can you help them to let go of their junk and make steps towards cleaning up?

• If Bob's just not able to let go of his possessions, regardless of how junky they may be, is there some sort of compromise they might be able to reach here that will make things easier for everyone?

EXPERTS POINTERS - FROM JUDITH NICHOLS

This problem is a good example of why all mothers should encourage their sons to leave home when they're young (even if they return) so that they learn not to be selfish.

Hoarding when it comprises the saving of articles that other people consider junk; takes up space intended for other uses eg spare bedrooms and when the hoarder becomes agitated at the possible loss of the hoard. 
Like all compulsive behaviour it has its roots in a desire to control a fear or stems from an inability to make decisions.
I think the son may be resistant to counselling.  He  successfully deals with his fears by hoarding and that relieves his inner tension.
If you threaten the hoarder he may become so agitated that he will leave so you may need to be prepared for that. 
It would be good to find out insurance or council regulations about the junk especially if it is flammable; set this before the son and then suggest the counselling.
Perhaps you can reach a family compromise where everybody contributes and the hoard is stored in a commercial storage unity.
Threats and confrontation will only add to the problem.  If he looks after his Mum so well maybe that is the trade-off that has to be accepted.