Louise has always had a difficult relationship with her mother--let's call her mum Barb. There's been odd behaviour over the years and Barb has never been one to apologise for any wrong she's done. That created a nasty situation recently.

Louise had taken a day off work, struggling with depression--something she experiences occasionally. She saw the doctor, got some medication and went home to rest. She wasn't going to tell either of her parents, as she didn't want them worried, but during a phone conversation that night with her dad, he picked up that she wasn't well, and ended up telling Louise's mum.

Unfortunately, mum (Barb) likes a drama--and that's what she created. When Louise got to work the next day she discovered Barb had called a number of Louise's workmates--the security guard, the switchboard operator and another colleague--leaving urgent messages indicating that Louise was suicidal and they should do something about it. Barb hadn't called Louise directly--just her colleagues--and there was absolutely no reason for that level of concern.

As you can imagine, Louise was furious, embarrassed, and hurt. Why hadn't her mum contacted her directly? Unfortunately, similar things have happened in the past. A series of emails ensued that made Louise even more upset. Her mother seemed more interested in proving her actions right than, even during the email conversation, actually asking how Louise was. The upshot of it all is that Louise, still in some degree of depression, told her mum she couldn't talk to her again until she was ready to apologise and guarantee she wouldn't do such a thing again.

The problem is, Louise has never heard her mum apologise in her life and she's wondering--what should I do now?

Let's give her some second opinions.

• What do you do when you have drawn a boundary, that's likely to stay in place for a long time?

• If you've drawn boundaries with a difficult family member, share your thoughts.

• How do you maintain a connection with that family member, and show love, while still protecting your own emotional well-being?

EXPERT OPINION - Sue Bartho, Clinical Psychologist

With some "friends",  a long term boundary is ok. But with parents (where we are trying to "honour" them in some way, ala the 5th Commandment), I would look to redefine the boundary in a slightly different way.
Boundaries don't have to be black or white. You can decide what you think is appropriate.  
 
It is important for you to NOT feel POWERLESS in this (as powerlessness leads to depression), and for you to know and remind yourself, of the choices that you have in this relationship.  You cannot change your mother, but you can do other things: 
 
1.    Your own decisions/thinking.  YOU can decide what level of communication you have with your Mum , and your Dad (he was out of line here too.....). Will you keep it
            (i)  totally safe (no risk)                  -  current affairs, your events, weather!!
            (ii) some sharing (some risk)          -  some of your thoughts and feelings
            (iii) open and vulnerable (big risk)    -  your deepest thoughts, feelings, challenges etc
 
   You can still be loving and caring to her, while keeping your communication at level one.
 
Remember to keep perspective.  Your Mum is quite a fragile (can i say emotionally damaged) lady.  She would probably met the criteria for a Personality Disorder, though I wouldn't ever use that word to her, and only mention it, to help you get a healthy perpsective on her in your own thinking.
 
2.    HOW you communicate to her. It is often helpful to communicate:   

-  your feelings, ie your humiliation and anger, about her behaviour with your colleagues.
-  your desire for her to apologise. 

You can ask her for what you want her to do in future, if she is really worried about your safety (ie phone you, or a close friend, who knows what your Mum is like), KNOWING that they may or may not do what you ask!!! Similarly, you can ask her to apologise, in the light of how she has hurt you, BUT i don't think you can demand an apology, without it becoming an ugly power game.
 
I think there is something profoundly "Christian" or Christ-like in "honouring our parents", despite their weaknesses.  It is too easy to dismiss them and be unforgiving ourselves.  We have to get our head around "doing to them as we would like them to do to us", ie what caring with boundaries looks like.