Caroline's got a problem in her marriage. Her husband, we'll call him Jay, is obsessed with motorsports. Now that may sound a bit trivial - you're probably thinking, "lots of Aussie males are sports mad; How can that hurt a marriage?" Well, here's the situation:

Jay's a Go-Kart racer. He's a member of the local karting club, and pours significant sums of their money into gear, and fuel, spare parts and competitions. On weekends, if he's not working, he's usually either down at the race track, training, or over at his mates place, tinkering with the karts. Lately he's started travelling out of town for competitions too - going away with the boys for whole weekends, coming home late on Sunday night, then going off to work again the next morning. And if Jay is at home on the weekend, he spends hours watching every motor sport race he can possibly find on Foxtel.

Until now, Caroline hasn't complained too much as she knows how important the sport is to Jay. He was already involved before they got married, and a lot of their friends are from the karting community. When Caroline has expressed concerns, Jay's made it clear that he's not about to give up his beloved sport.
 
But it's now at the point where something has to change. Caroline just isn't seeing much of her own husband any more - Jay virtually lives as though he is still single. He's not helping out around the house a great deal, they're not talking like they used to, and they hardly spend time together as a couple any more. They've discussed starting a family, but Caroline wonders how he can be a dad if he's so busy still being a boy himself.

What can Caroline do? 

 
DISCUSSION POINTS

• Caroline doesn't want to become a nagging wife, and she doesn't want to just demand that he quit the sport he loves - especially now that he's started to become quite successful.
 
• But she doesn't want to let things continue at the expense of their marriage.

• How can she find the balance of supporting her husbands dreams, and keeping their marriage healthy?

• Have you had the experience of a husband, or your wife, obsessed with a particular sport or hobby?

• What did you do to keep things in balance, and not let it overtake your marriage?

EXPERT ADVICE FROM PSYCHOLOGIST, SUE BARTHO

Caroline, I suspect that the obsessional hobby is not so much the problem here, as his emotional absence and immaturity.  I actually think it is possible to enjoy a passionate hobby AND be engaged in your marriage and family, IF there is really good communication, mutual respect and fairness.  And these can be hard to create!!

I see this issue almost every day of my working life as a clinical psychologist!  And I call it the challenge of the godly wife.  And that is to gently and assertively communicate what you need, without:     

Yelling, nagging and getting angry; Withdrawing in resentment and bitterness; Continuing to facilitate his bachelor lifestyle, or Ignoring your own needs!!

So here's how to go about it.

1.      Put some thought and planning into when and where will be best for you both to talk, AND what you need to say. (It often helps to do some journalling to find some clarity in your own thoughts first).  Maybe eating out at a restaurant, or lighting a candle at home, communicates that this is special time for us.

2.      You need to initiate the conversation with something like. " Jay, there is something I'd like to talk to you about".

3.      State the problem clearly, as you see it, not accusing him but sharing your thoughts and feelings. Eg "I've been thinking a bit about our home and our life together, and I'm beginning to think that our current patterns aren't going to be good for us in the longer term".  Pause!!  Hopefully then he says, "What do you mean?"!!

Then you can say, "Well, you may not like me saying this, but I'm beginning to think that it would be good for our marriage, if we could work out a better balance between Go Kart activities, Household chores and our time together."

What you are doing here is:    

- NOT overwhelming him with 500 things you want done diferently!
- NOT overwhelming him with powerful emotion that he wont know what to do with!
- NOT attacking him with criticism and failure
- Expressing your preliminary thoughts (suggesting that you haven't been brooding onthis for months, even though you probably have!!)

- Using plural language, ie our, us and we (that communicates that this is our problem and no one is being blamed!)

- Anticipating some of his reaction which sugests that you are mindful of his feelings

- Making positive suggestions that sound simple and do-able!!

At this point, or when he begins to get what you are saying, ASK HIM what he thinks (which is just respectful and courteous!)

4.      Eventually, you need to be able to Suggest a Way Forward, or to ask for what you want.  Eg "I would like one day each weekend to be for us, to get some chores done together and then have some fun together.  What do you think?"

Obviously, you will need many, many of these conversations in a marriage.  But I think the key is to share your thoughts EARLY, so as to avoid building up a huge headful of resentment and negativity, which creates all sorts of secondary problems.

It takes perseverance, courage, wisdom and much godliness!!