Carmel is a mum whose son is addicted to computer games. The son, let's call him Dan, is in his early 20s. And ever since he finished highschool - that's a few years ago now - he's been stuck in a terrible cycle. He sleeps all day, plays computer games all night, and does little else with his life. He's unemployed, and while he tells his mum that he is looking for work, it seems he's really only making a token effort - if any effort at all.
His addiction is mostly to online multi-player games like World Of Warcraft. He will spend endless hours on them every night, and if he's not playing, then he's in chat rooms learning how to improve his game skills. The only real connection he has with the outside world, is to go clubbing once a week with his old school friends.
Part of Dan's problem is that he doesn't know what he should do with his life - so he has no motivation to change and feels trapped. He is also depressed. At one point Carmel got him to do a questionnaire on the Beyond Blue website and it was clear to both him and his mum, that he was suffering mild depression.
Carmel doesn't know what to do. She's stopped cooking for him at times when he's neglected to do chores around the house, but its never really made a difference to his lifestyle or his computer habits.
The computer Dan uses is his own, so Carmel can't take that away from him. The only thing she does have control over is the internet connection - But if she has it cut off, Dan actually becomes angry and violent, even punching holes in the walls. She knows that if she does that again, she'll literally have to take time off work to cope with the repercussions. Carmel wonders whether she should pack his bags and put him out of the house. But she just can't bring herself to take such extreme measures.
What can Carmel do?
DISCUSSION POINTS
• Maybe you're a parent who's gone through this kind of battle with your child? Tell us what you did.
• Did you find a physical way to deal with the computer addiction, like removing priveleges, taking the computer or the internet connection away? Did that help?
• Or did you find there were deeper issues that you had to address first before there could be any outward change?
• If you are a young person who has found yourself caught in some level of addiction to computer games or the internet, I'd love to hear from you. How did you get to that stage, and what did you do to try and change it?
• Also, if you or someone you know has been caught in some kind of unhealthy or addictive cycle in their 20s, and was unable to move forward with their life - I'd like to hear from you too. What did you do, to break through the rut?
• What strategies can be helpful to someone in that situation? What can help them see that life can be better, and that there is a way out of this rut they are in?
Comments (2)
JONATHAN
The first thing I would suggest is to ask Dan himself how he feels about the situation, and for Carmel to really listen to what he has to say without being critical. From the description of his response to the Beyond Blue survey, it sounds ...like Dan at least knows on some level that there is something wrong, which is encouraging. He may well have some ideas about what can be done, or if not, it may at least cause him to start thinking about it for himself. If his mum really listens to him and tries to understand from his perpective, it puts them on the same side of the battle so they can help each other rather than try to fight each other. The important thing to know is that Dan is the only one who can break the addiction, his mum can't do it for him, so it's important for his mum to get alongside him and support him lovingly through the process.
The other thing I would suggest is instead of focusing on the game as the problem, try to promote other more positive alternatives in which Dan can equally enjoy himself. Maybe go away for a family weekend and have fun together doing other things. Getting away even for a little while would help Dan to clear his head and put things into perspective, particularly if he can enjoy himself out of the game. In suggesting such things, I would try to be as non-threatening as possible, i.e. don't force him to do it and don't make it a regularly scheduled activity that would just feel like it takes him away from the game, but let him make the decision and give him flexibility in the timing so that he can arrange to fit it into his game schedule. If he declines the suggestion, Carmel should keep persevering with other suggestions on other occasions, and he'll see that it is important to Carmel and also that she cares about him. The important thing is not to focus on the negatives (addiction, cutting off the internet, unemployment, kicking him out, criticism) but rather on the positives (fun as a family, enjoying other activities, being loved and understood) to show him just how much life has to offer. It won't be a quick and easy fix, but the long-suffering, loving perserverance of his mum will hopefully give him the motivation he needs to take action for himself.
Hope this helps in some way.
Posted by Jonathan | September 13, 2010 4:26 PM
Posted on September 13, 2010 16:26
Hi. Im 22 and have been in a similar situation to Dan. I was playing an on-line game for up to about 16 hours a day for 6-7 years. I also suffered from mild depression. I would often come home from school, turn on the computer, and only turn it off after numerous requests from my parents at about midnight. I wouldn't often go out with others due to an event happening on the game, or something alike. For me, i had a restriction placed on my computer which would turn the internet connection off my computer at about 8pm each night. Still, I would spend most of the weekend playing this game, but it reduced the availability to play. It did make me rather upset at times too, but i did eventually get over it, and I am glad my parents did it.
One of the reasons i spent time on there was because there were very few people who would call and ask me to go out to do something (movies, beach, etc). Looking back, having someone call me up to see if i wanted to go out with a group to the movies would have helped me to have interest in something other than the game, as well as develop some relationships with other people my own age.
I don't know if Dan has any interests in things like rock climbing, hiking, or skating, but I would suggest to Carmel that if she is able to talk with church leaders, social workers, outings organisers, etc that it would start creating a social group that Dan is able to spend some time with people with similar interests (other than computing) and similar ages to influence him to spend less time on the computer. I didnt seek any professional help for my depression either, but i found it helped a lot when i had other people my own age and with similar interests wanting to involve me, and willing to listen to what I had to say. Since Dan has a small group of mates he regularly sees, then maybe they can suggest some groups or activities for Carmel to talk with.
Posted by Peter C | September 6, 2010 1:15 AM
Posted on September 6, 2010 01:15